I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
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