just come out here and I will go home with you...
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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