His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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