Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
