If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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