all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
