Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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