I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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