i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
