well I can't set my house on fire every night
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
