you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
