Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
