Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
