Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
