i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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