So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
