so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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