Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
