Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
