Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
