The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
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