you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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