please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
