And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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