I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
