I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
