Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
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