I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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