Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Randomize
