Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
