hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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