Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
