Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize