I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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