She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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