vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
