i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
