he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Randomize
