My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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