I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
