Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
