Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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