I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
