well I can't set my house on fire every night
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
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