dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
This beer is not sobering me up at all
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
