If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
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If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
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Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
The ass gains better be worth it
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