I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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