Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
