Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
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I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
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i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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