Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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