Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
