going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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