Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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