god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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