my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Randomize
