he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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