I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I want a musical about memes.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
