I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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