Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
